The Urban Snoresalofagus

When we first started dating, I asked Ray if I snored. He said, “No, baby, you purr like a little kitten.”

Kitty’s all grown up.

It is not that I snore, per se; it’s that I snuggle up to Ray and snore in his right ear. Apparently I am not easy to dislodge. Ray has tried many tricks through the years to get me to roll over. Gentle nudges. Not-so-gentle nudges. Saying “Roll over.” Loudly saying “Roll over.”

He thought he finally found the answer one night when he inadvertently pulled his ceiling-fan-cooled arm under the covers, and I rolled away from the cool arm. Eureka! Until I started having hot flashes, and the cool arm under the covers was welcome.

Ray has sleep apnea and uses a Bi-PAP machine when he sleeps. The nasal mask has a little stream of air that comes out between the hose and the mask, and aiming that at me would make me roll over. Sometimes.

He has put his hand on my face like a face claw. He has tickled me. He has rubbed my hip. He has tried many things, and they all have one thing in common (just like an investment): past performance is not a guarantee of future returns.

Understand that this all happens while I am sound asleep. Rarely do I come to enough to hear him say “Roll over,” and on the occasions I am aware I also subconsciously know that I did not hear him the first time he said it. I never remember any of the physical things he tries to get me to shift back to my side of the bed.

He tells me about his attempts to get me to move off him the next day. It’s always interesting for me to hear what he has tried, because I know nothing about it. When I sleep, I am a Gordon Log. This is the nickname in my family for the deep, immovable sleep we Gordon girls fall into when we are tired, and it spans generations. Every night when I go to bed, I tell Ray that I will try not to be a pest. We both know that I can’t help it; it’s the nature of the Gordon Log.

Now he calls me his “Urban Snoresalofagus.” I think humor is his way of dealing with the sleeplessness when the 4:30 train rolls into his ear and he can’t get back to sleep.